ruzz

somewhere near madden, ab

the dust began settling sometime early in the week. the chaos and utter shock wore thin and things started to look more like a life. then today i went into town and had lunch with dougie and watched everyone doing their stuff. living their city lives. i watched the pretty waitresses with their push up bras and low buttoned shirts and a rolling moan started somewhere in me. 

it built and built as each mile marker passed on the highway back to home. i got home and with a full headache and went for a nap. I woke up tangled and taught. 

things on the whole are good here. my folks have been very accommodating and opened their home freely to me. 

but i’m fuelled by beauty. i’m energized and pulled towards tomorrow and tomorrows tomorrow by all the twirling hair and crooking smiles on pretty girls everywhere. this town is full of farmer’s wives and the elderly. 

it’s a strange complaint to lodge. that there isn’t enough pretty women out here to keep me breathing and fighting but that’s how it feels just now. like i had my legs swept out from under me and i woke up alone and out of the reach of beauty. 

i’ve gone driving and shooting, and documented parts of my parents lives and tried to fill the days with books and thinking. i’ve slept and stretched and read and watched out the window. i’ve passed the days in peace and comfort. 

but coming home tonight i realize i’m not ready for peace and comfort. i want fire. i want flurries of life and fighting sheets and the world to expand a tiny bit each day. 

i’m afraid i may wither rather than heal. may shrink until i’m so small i just disappear. 

on the plus side this tells me i’ve got some fight left in me. i’ve got some lust for life left in me. some passions. some desires. and now i just need to quell them or fill them in sideways ways till i can make my way back into the heart of the city, full as harvest fields with girls and music, and streets and friends and life. 

jackie (2010)

just a quick update. i’m still kicking. still looking for a new place. still trying to work everything out but for now things are holding together as best they can. 

there’s a lot of questions right now and the only way forward might be to put some of them aside and focus on what can be dealt with. 

i don’t know. 

i’m saying that a lot lately. 

i feel better. got some sleep. got my head focused. i will find a way through this mess. 

i appreciate all of you who’ve msg’d or commented to keep going. keep moving. 

you fuckers are the best. I’ll probably drop offline in the next few days but when i come back i’m going to be like a caterpillar broke free of my suffocating safe harbour. then we’re going to really mix shit up.