ruzz

somewhere near madden, ab

the dust began settling sometime early in the week. the chaos and utter shock wore thin and things started to look more like a life. then today i went into town and had lunch with dougie and watched everyone doing their stuff. living their city lives. i watched the pretty waitresses with their push up bras and low buttoned shirts and a rolling moan started somewhere in me. 

it built and built as each mile marker passed on the highway back to home. i got home and with a full headache and went for a nap. I woke up tangled and taught. 

things on the whole are good here. my folks have been very accommodating and opened their home freely to me. 

but i’m fuelled by beauty. i’m energized and pulled towards tomorrow and tomorrows tomorrow by all the twirling hair and crooking smiles on pretty girls everywhere. this town is full of farmer’s wives and the elderly. 

it’s a strange complaint to lodge. that there isn’t enough pretty women out here to keep me breathing and fighting but that’s how it feels just now. like i had my legs swept out from under me and i woke up alone and out of the reach of beauty. 

i’ve gone driving and shooting, and documented parts of my parents lives and tried to fill the days with books and thinking. i’ve slept and stretched and read and watched out the window. i’ve passed the days in peace and comfort. 

but coming home tonight i realize i’m not ready for peace and comfort. i want fire. i want flurries of life and fighting sheets and the world to expand a tiny bit each day. 

i’m afraid i may wither rather than heal. may shrink until i’m so small i just disappear. 

on the plus side this tells me i’ve got some fight left in me. i’ve got some lust for life left in me. some passions. some desires. and now i just need to quell them or fill them in sideways ways till i can make my way back into the heart of the city, full as harvest fields with girls and music, and streets and friends and life. 

i’ve been meaning to update you on the stretch marks are beautiful post. it’s been a bit nuts around here though. 

the model i wrote it about found it and she said fuck you, don’t ever speak to me again.

even though i explained my position. 

she said she felt attacked, and that we obviously aren’t real friends. 

even though i apologized and pointed out i said several times it was not meant to be negative to her. 

she said she never signed a model release so never use her pictures again. 

which i will ignore. but remember once again people ain’t no good and only care about their own bullshit not the artwork. 

she unfriended me on facebook. 

even though i said she’s incredibly beautiful, and has gifts to offer the world despite the changing state of her skin. 

she more or less hates me now. 

and that’s kinda sad. 

come at me bro (or nuclear medicinist).