ruzz

i’ve always had a borderline fixation on the calendar. my brain, as anyone whose received odd texts reminding them that 2 years ago we did this, is calendar based. it’s always fascinated me that this thing we just made up literally ingrains itself into how our lives play out. it helps define our lives. 

this winter i’ve managed to avoid nostalgia almost entirely and the change in my sleeping habits (newly minted morning person) combined with staying away from booze has meant i’ve avoided most of my normal winter depression. 

i’ve replaced that with a fun new hobby called winter stressing out over disconnection notices and neurotic tick like watching the crack of my front door for eviction notices. 

combining my back+side pain issues with this new ankle problem means i have way too much time to sit around thinking. most of my thinking is along the lines of “how the fuck did i get into this mess and how do i get out of it”

which leads to daydreams about benefactors and/or writing books about street and/or selling enough prints to pay off my electricity bill. 

i want to make a t-shirt that says “i’d rather be shooting street”. 

i think it’d be fun to wear during nude model shoots. 

I’ve been trying to consolidate my photos. trying to get a handle on a decade of shooting—2002 is the first year i have any real photos in my archive and this brings me to realize this isn’t the first january i’ve struggled with boredom, disinterest and photographic poverty. so i thought i’d take a walk down memory lane.. photographically. 

january 2002 - 0 folders

there is a folder in my archives for this but it contains no pictures. 

january 2003 - 3 folders

a whole bunch of self portraits. photos of my tarantula. family photos. 

january 2004 - 2 folders

self portraits, cat pictures and blurry shots taken while standing outside smoking at the big yellow commune. this is the year i really began focusing on photography. 

january 2005 - 9 folders

an lot of really crappy handheld night photos. 

january 2006 - 15 folders

i did 3 model shoots (trixie). a long walkabout with kara and went to san francisco. not a single real street shot from SF. 

january 2007 - 2 folders

one called “walk at edworthy park” and the other “pick up camera from pawn shop”. 

january 2008 - 0 folders

not a single frame.

january 2009 - 3 folders

three model shoots. livia & eddie, the marla bald shoot (our second) and a horrific car crash of a shoot with a girl named laura. no pictures of anything else. no documentation of my life beyond these model shoots. 

january 2010 - 9 folders

model shoots with marla, aenux. a hoarfrost walkabout in bowness park. night photos. 

january 2011 - 1 folder

it’s called iPhone and all it contains is random iPhone shots like the one above. 

january 2012 - 13 folders (20 gigs)

mostly street photography. 

—

so what have i learnt from this? january is a rough month for me photographically, emotionally, mentally and mostly financially. up to this year there is a strong relationship between my money situation in january and if i used the camera. when i have money, or am working a fair bit i shoot more. 

in 2006 i was making the second most money i’ve ever made and i shot a lot. in 2009 i was making a decent living and i shot a lot. 

i didn’t know where this post was going to end up (4.5 hours sleep kids) and now it seems it’s ended up with a challenge to that starving artist ideal. when i was younger i was able to just put money problems out of my head and do what i wanted but every year that gets harder and it’s costing me photos. 

moreover, i’ve come to see a paradox. the years i was employed as an actual employee (not photography related) were the years i was most productive as a photographer. that regular pay check apparently unlocked life options and energy for my eye. not to mention gear. women. and social stuff. 

i’m less than 30 days into 2012. i’m more broke. more alone and more physically hampered than i’ve been in my life. yet the paradox doesn’t hold up because i’ve shot more this year than any thanks to street photography. thanks to opening myself up to the entire world as a subject. 

the last couple times i’ve been down to shoot though i’ve felt distracted. i’ve felt distance between me and the street. the distance caused by my brain turning over my money problems, the long term direction of my life, and nagging foot pain. thankfully, the street is forgiving enough to still provide but it can’t hold up. 

another month like this month, or worse, and even street will dry up. 

that can’t happen. it’s the only part of my life that works. the only part that makes sense anymore. the only part i’ve had any noticeable success with. 

now i’m just rambling. 

jen (2011)

our bodies fall apart one cell at a time. i’m a fast learner so i’m doing it an appendage at a time.